Unlocking Charisma: Using Cues to Communicate with Confidence and Warmth

In every interaction—whether we're leading a team meeting, teaching a class, or navigating a tough conversation—we're constantly sending signals. These signals, or cues, shape how others perceive us: Do we seem trustworthy? Competent? Approachable? Confident?

Picture this. I’m sitting on the sofa next to Paul, my husband of 34 years. He’s watching a YouTube video about a boat, and I’m on my laptop switching between writing a report, booking a vet appointment, and sorting plans with friends. I ask him a question. I get a vague mumble. I try again—this time a little louder, with that polite-but-firm tone—and still, another half-hearted response.

So I take off my glasses, close the laptop, and turn to face him. We make eye contact.

And just like that, he tunes in—fully focused, like he’s suddenly realised I was talking the whole time. Magic!

What changed? My cues.

• Nonverbal cues: I stopped half-listening while doing a few other things, turned to face him and made eye contact. Cue: Open body language and eye contact show presence and attention.

• Imagery cues: Closing the laptop signalled I was done multitasking and ready to focus. A simple change, but it shifted the tone of the moment. Cue: Removing physical barriers signals approachability and availability.

• Vocal cues: Instead of talking over my shoulder, I spoke clearly and at a steady pace, using a calm tone that said, “This matters.” Cue: A steady, clear voice shows calm confidence and invites engagement.

• Verbal cues: Instead of repeating, “Are you even listening to me?” I said, “Paul, darling” just a little louder. To be honest, that was all the verbal cuing I needed—the nonverbal, vocal, and imagery cues had already done the job. Cue: Even a small change in tone or phrasing can signal importance and shift the conversation.

  
  

In the end, all it took was a few small changes to how I was showing up—and just like that, I had his attention.

But here’s the thing—this moment isn’t just about our marriage dynamics. It’s exactly the kind of subtle, powerful communication shift we use in our work as RTLBs. Whether we’re engaging with whānau, building trust with a disengaged student, or guiding a school team through change, we’re constantly adjusting our cues to find the right balance of warmth and competence. Just like at home, it’s often not what we say that shifts the dynamic—it’s how we say it.

What Are Cues?

Cues are the small signals we give off—often unintentionally—that tell others who we are and how we feel. Vanessa Van Edwards, in her book Cues: Master the Secret Language of Charismatic Communication, breaks these into four main categories:

1. Nonverbal Cues – Your body language, facial expressions, gestures and posture.

2. Vocal Cues – Your tone, pace, volume and pitch.

3. Verbal Cues – The words and phrases you use, your storytelling style and how you build connection through language.

4. Imagery Cues – Your visual presence, from your environment to your design choices in documents and slides.

   
   

These cues work together to send two primary messages: warmth ("You can trust me") and competence ("You can rely on me"). When these are balanced, we come across as charismatic—and more importantly, we create safety and clarity in communication. For RTLBs, this is gold. Whether we’re in a school staffroom, a whānau home, or a multidisciplinary meeting, we’re sending cues—whether we mean to or not. Recognising and shaping these cues helps us uphold mana, de-escalate tension and build collaborative momentum.

Why It Matters in Our Role

As RTLBs, we're often called in when something isn’t working: when learners are disengaged, whānau are frustrated, or schools are stuck. We need people to feel both safe and confident in our presence. The cues we send either build trust or erode it. Our warmth cues invite collaboration, empathy and honesty. Our competence cues create clarity, confidence and forward motion.

Van Edwards’ work reminds us that we don’t have to choose between being approachable and being professional—we can dial both up with intention.

Using the Charisma Dial in RTLB Work

Van Edwards introduces the charisma dial—a tool to help us adjust our messaging based on the context. Here are a few examples:

• Supporting a parent sharing their frustrations? Dial up warmth.

• Facilitating a collaborative team meeting? Balance competence with warmth to create connection.

• Leading a staff hui? Dial up competence while keeping the space relational.

Just like in that everyday moment with Paul, the cues we use can shift a conversation from distracted to engaged.

Warmth Cues + Competence Cues = Charisma

Final Thoughts

Cues are like the hidden language of influence—and as RTLBs, we’re fluent whether we know it or not. Becoming more intentional with our cues doesn’t mean being fake or scripted. It means being tuned in—to ourselves, to others and to what the situation needs.

So next time you walk into a meeting, pause. Breathe. Adjust the dial. And remember: Sometimes the most powerful shift isn’t in what you say, but in how you show up.

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References

Van Edwards, V. (2022). Cues: Master the secret language of charismatic communication. Penguin Life.